


none but the things that never happened

by JustMcShane



Series: hard to find & lucky to have [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963), Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Disjointed, Gallifrey: Time War Spoilers, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I would happily murder Irving Braxiatel given the chance, Post - Soldier Obscura, Stream of Consciousness, fixit, i wrote this far too late at night so UUhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 05:53:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14513946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustMcShane/pseuds/JustMcShane
Summary: She takes it out and cradles it in her hands, and maybe rocks back and forth a bit while she tries to remember and piece together. Someone gave it to her. Someone important. Her mind keeps flashing back to the sound that had followed that man’s departure. Feels like home. Fix things. Tesseract.





	none but the things that never happened

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from a mark twain quote i felt was apt for the situation
> 
> ace is pretty out of it at this point so i'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense

Something went wrong something went wrong why can’t she think properly wrong wrong wrong.

Everything from before _she can’t even remember when_ is all scrambled and blurry and she just _hurts_ mentally, like she just got thrown into a brick wall over and over again and nobody ever bothered to pick up the pieces.

He’s left, that man that was just there, the man that was standing over her when she woke up, staring at her like she was a sample in a laboratory for him to analyse; an experiment that he wasn’t sure turned out quite right. His eyes had been… they had been _something_ oh why couldn’t she think straight and she was still on the ground wasn’t she?

(- _who are you_

- _all you need to know is that I’m here to protect you despite what you might think)_

She is Ace and she knows who she is and she remembers quite a lot of things like what year she was born and Iceword and Mel and Glitz and burnt tea and bus stations and that there’s always work to do, but there are also things that escape her too, things like _how old she is_ and _where she is right now_ (the man told her that no less than five minutes ago at the least but something’s definitely wrong because that… it’s gone too) and what she had been doing before she got to here and now and when. Probably time travel, right, because it’s more or less impossible that time travel didn’t have something to do with whatever this is and that groaning wheezing (amazing) sound that followed the man when he left, it was –

…and his eyes were strangely familiar but not – and… but…

…which meant that he must have been –

…but he wouldn’t leave her, not like this… would he?

_(-can’t I come with you_

_\- no no not this time I’m going a very long way away)_

It hurts it hurts it hurts. She fumbles around in her pockets, looking for something to tether her or remind her or help her, but there’s only her sonic screwdriver (well at least she remembers that, that’s something at least) and well she’s still on the ground isn’t she. Did she already think that? It’s too soon to tell. She keeps on cataloguing, spreading the contents of her surprisingly spacious pockets on the grass around her. A battered tourist’s guide to some place somewhere she can’t read anymore, a catapult with nothing to fire with, marbles marbles too many (lost them), stamps from everywhere and nowhere, pocket lighter (mind feels like it’s on fire), lost battered pennies that stain her fingers as she fumbles clumsily with them and loses them in the grass. She keeps going. The pockets are far too big. How did they get this big? Letters addressed to her she thinks but she can’t focus long enough to read to check. It hurts. Pocketwatch, completely ordinary when she opens it but there’s an inscription on the inside that she also can’t read but it feels like home. Wires and cables and more marbles that she loses too and right there at the very bottom, a cube except it isn’t.

It’s blue, sort of, but then she turns it around and it’s bright white, and when she looks into it, she can see multitudes. It feels important looks important feels like she’s forgotten. She takes it out and cradles it in her hands, and maybe rocks back and forth a bit while she tries to remember and piece together. Someone gave it to her. Someone important. Her mind keeps flashing back to the sound that had followed that man’s departure. Feels like home. Fix things. Tesseract.

Yes, that’s it, it was a going-away gift, the tesseract, from – from the – the – something. Shit. Something’s wrong, something’s wrong. He gave it to her. Gave it to her for. For. Emergencies? He said? Maybe. Something’s wrong, feels like home. Should she use it? How should she use it? Why? Something’s wrong? He’d know what to do. Fix things.

But if he left her here that must mean that there’s something important she needs to do she saw him just a few seconds ago. He just left so it’s not an emergency. Nothing’s gone wrong.  Must have been him. He said she was smart, looked so sad, there was the noise too, must have been him? But no that feels wrong maybe it’s not him miss him miss him. She doesn’t need him but god she misses him. Got to. Do something. Something? Wrong. Something’s wrong.

Everything she owns is scattered around her. She leaves the tesseract in her lap and picks up the marbles carefully one-by-one rolling them back and forth and they’re so smooth. Can’t lose them. Back they go into her jacket and then she puts the watch back in and jams everything else in after. Smart. She leaves the screwdriver (doesn’t even look like a screwdriver) and the tesseract and tries to stand up but everything’s still bad and blurry and she doesn’t want to fall over so she just leaves herself on the grass for now.

She doesn’t need him she’s smart she’s brave she’s good and fierce all on her own. Never needed him but he’s her best friend but maybe the man was him and he left her here for a reason he always has reasons and plans maybe it’s a good one?

But

He’s her friend he’s her _friend_ and even if he did leave her here for some reason he’d come if she asked because he’s her friend and he. He just is is is. Better than a dad and closer than a brother spoons secretive smile panama hat nose tap love like the stars. She’s tired and blurry and she hurts all over inside and out and something in the back of her mind just won’t stop screaming and she doesn’t think it ever will because it’s seen something she can’t go back from not now not ever. She holds the tesseract tight, and looks into it as hard as she can and thinks _Professor Professor Professor_ over and over until her head hurts even more and there’s tears running down her cheeks. The cube unfolds and refold and vibrates and shines so she must be doing something right so she keeps on doing whatever it is. Doctors fix things. Doctors fix things. He can fix it.

She doesn’t know how long she’s been there for maybe minutes maybe hours but after however god long it is she hears a sound. Not sure if it’s in her head or not for a moment or two because her head’s an awful unreliable place right now but it’s more or less certain when she hears footsteps through grass and _ace?_ and there’s _wait_ gentle hands prying her own _but you were meant to be_ carefully off the impossible _not here what did they do to you_ corners of the tesseract where _ace_ she’s been gripping so tightly her skin’s begun to bleed.

_Ace ace ace oh no_

It’s him it’s the right one, not lord byron with his bright (sad) smile and tattered velvet coat who she’s seen once or twice or any of the however many there are. It’s the Professor good wonderful mysterious (not so much anymore but she loves him anyway) he’s here Professor with his tartan scarf and his stupid hat and his dark kind eyes. Hands on her face now, tilting it upward, he’s trying to get a good look at her but everything’s so sudden did you leave me here what was that I did I can’t remember what I did

_Shh shh ace_

He’s down next to her now worried and dark and ancient and smells like old books and chamomile and lemons in the library. _Gallifrey I left you on gallifrey did romana_ what’s a romana _but she said you’d be safe_

Was it you was the man you she says trying not to cry anymore she’s done with tears but they come anyway. Something’s wrong somebody got in my head was it you was it you

 _In your head_ he says, pressing a hand to her shoulder _ace what are you talking_

Don’t know don’t know don’t know she doesn’t know if she’s saying anything aloud anymore or just screaming or mumbling or. Or. Or or or what’s he doing what’s he doing she’s pushed herself away from him, twisting violently away with a sudden gasp and a rush of adrenaline before he can even get his cold hands anywhere near her temples. Don’t don’t DON’T

His eyes are wide. Not frightened, not really – for her maybe but she can’t tell. Holds his hands up, gesture of peace. _I’m not going to hurt you ace._ Like taming a wild animal. Maybe she’s a wild animal maybe it’s happened again. Something’s wrong something’s wrong but something’s right also because he’s here now

I know I know you’re not, she babbles, inching back towards him she dropped her screwdriver at some point and doesn’t know where it is. I know I’m sorry but maybe you will? He was in my head. Maybe you were in my head I don’t know don’t know anymore sorry sorry sorry

 _May I_ it’s so gentle he’s being so gentle with her it doesn’t feel real. He’s requesting something takes her a minute to figure it out and she flinches and flinches again but brave smart strong so she grits her teeth and straightens up and shakily. Nods. Bends her head forward, he comes forward to meet her and unlike before – what happened before? It’s too hazy anyway – the incursion into her mind is soft and delicate like a cat weaving its way in through everything that’s in there and it’s shattered inside her skull like somebody lost control of their temper while they were there. But he’s quiet and unassuming and is out before she can even register that he was in there and when he meets her gaze afterwards there’s a hard sort of horrified resolve in them and he wipes his eyes and says, _I’m so sorry so very sorry ace you weren’t ever meant to_

Things feel quieter now inside inside there and it’s not quite so wrong but she still doesn’t understand.

 _How dare he_ he’s saying fire and ice in his eyes but then he looks at her again and it crumples and softens. _I’ll fix this I promise ace oh ace._ He bends and wraps himself around her and she clings to him like a damn child but she doesn’t even care anymore. Chamomile and old books and home and safe as anything. You already did, she says, closes her eyes opens her eyes. Home.

_Home?_

Traces out a T, tries to talk voice cracks a bit. Not everything’s fixed but soon soon soon

_The tardis?_

Yes the tardis

He nods and helps her up and helps her along

And they go home

**Author's Note:**

> miss them already 
> 
> i hope ace is okay
> 
> talk to me in the comments maybe?? i'm sad
> 
> EDIT: in the cold hard light of morning i have realize just how much sense this doesn't make and how much of my own headcanon went into this. an explanation seems fair? gallifrey time war spoilers ahead. 
> 
> so uhh as you've probably guessed, this is post soldier obscura where brax ditches ace...... well, somewhere, after forcefully doing something unspecified and horrifying to her memories. mind manipulation is never fun so that's why she's so scattered and all over the place all throughout the fic. at the end of obscura, she didn't recognize brax but she did hear the sound of his tardis materializing and she was like "wait. was that???" which I interpreted as her mistaking him for being the doctor, maybe a future version of him. which is why she's not sure if she should call him for help, because y'know he's probably done stuff like abandoning her in the middle of nowhere before. (it's also why she's rambling about 'did you leave me' and 'was it you in my head' idk guys it made sense at the time)  
> @ the tesseract and the pocketwatch - both were given to her by the doctor, at some point. The pocketwatch was a congratulations gift for getting through the Academy and the inscription says something like 'for ace i'm proud of you'. The reason why she can't read any of the stuff is because there's no TARDIS nearby = no translation circuit. The tesseract is something from the VNAs I think?? it's a time lord communication device. he gave it to her before dropping her off on gallifrey as a just-in-case thing ("if you ever need me just call. time lords suck and you might need a rescue"). presumably brax didn't check her pockets before dumping her otherwise you know he would have taken it from her. 
> 
> this is saved on my computer with the title 'and then they go and kill braxiatel together'. which is all you need to know about what happens next, after ace is feeling better. also, they go and save leela too in some other convoluted way
> 
> EDIT 2: ace is a very strong independent character and i have no doubt that in canon she will find her way out of the unfortunate situation some asshole time lord stuck her into. she doesn't need the doctor and she can stand on her own!!! i love her!!! however i'm having a very bad week and i need a friend, and i rather thought that ace would need one too. and since the doctor's stopped talking to _me_ i decided hey why not write this. everybody needs help sometimes right
> 
> i've been talking for too long 
> 
> i just need them all to be happ y


End file.
